I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
