his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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