i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
