Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
