we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
