please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
