I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize