its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
