Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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