Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
