I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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