does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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