Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
