This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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