I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
