I think I just saw someone hide a body.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
