Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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