i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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