College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
