i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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