genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
