and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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