Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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