I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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