wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
