I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
