I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
