I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
