I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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