we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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