she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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