I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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