can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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