The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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