I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
