i was born a porn star she said
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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