U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
