apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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