im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
