just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
