There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
