it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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