i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
