im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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