I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
