Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
