Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wear drunk well.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
God, I missed his penis.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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