So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
tell me about the fingering
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
