You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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