Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
