Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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