Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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