Plan B is the new Plan A
I want to make a zoo with you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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