turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
