Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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