My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
