You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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