I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Randomize