weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
