His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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