I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
