I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize