She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
