Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
