Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
