I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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