he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want nice things and good sex
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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