6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
