He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
