you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
