Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
