Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
