Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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