He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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