Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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