Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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