when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
