a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
