birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
