You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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